It Wasn't Love.

Content Warning: This post discusses experiences of emotional and sexual abuse, which some readers may find distressing. If you are affected by any of these issues, please take care of yourself and consider reaching out to any of the support services I have provided below.

Fifteen days before I left, I found naked photos of another woman on his phone. When I confronted him, he admitted to going through her phone and taking those photos for his own personal use. Not only violating her, but completely shattering the little trust I had already lost for him. I felt like I was dying—my chest ached, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t even speak. All I could do was cry. That’s when I decided: enough. I started looking at houses, applied for a tenancy on a new home, and made a plan to move on.

The next two weeks were pure survival mode. I was packing, working full time, looking after our three kids (one mine, two his), and trying to hold myself together. Then one night, after falling asleep early from exhaustion, I woke up to the person who claimed I was the love of his life raping me. I was half-awake, disoriented. My body froze, and my brain just shut off. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I just laid there, disconnected. It felt like my body wasn’t mine. I’ve never experienced anything like that before—like my brain and body separated themselves just so I could get through it. I remember thinking, “Just stay still. Don’t move.” I wasn’t safe, but I couldn’t respond either. It was like going into full shutdown. He whispered in my ear "your body is screaming for it" "I know you'd be loving it if you were awake". And all while I felt as though I was dying inside, he came. He came, rolled over, and went to sleep. 

After that, I told myself it was nearly over. Just a few more days. All I had to do was get through one more gruelling day at work, laughing, smiling, pretending everything was fine, and then I could get home, pack the last of my things and the next morning I would be truly safe.  And then, it happened again. Same pattern. Same fear. Same paralysis. But this time, I knew I couldn’t stay another second.

On 28/06/2025, at 11:45pm, I left. I walked out the door while he hurled insults at me—calling me a liar, telling me I had started it, I was crying wolf, twisting the truth. But I kept walking.

The next morning, I reported everything. I didn’t know if I was strong enough, but I did it anyway. He was arrested, interviewed and released pending investigation. I went through a forensic exam and what felt like millions of different questions from a million different officers. I left parts of myself in that examination room—my strength, my privacy, my dignity. But I also left knowing I’d done the right thing.

Now, two months later, the investigation is still pending. The flashbacks are still here. The memories hit when I least expect them. Some days I miss him, which makes me feel sick with guilt. Other days, I cry until my eyes hurt. I lay in bed, silent tears running down my face so my daughter doesn’t hear me. And I wonder—why do I still care? Why don’t I hate him?

What hurts even more is knowing that while I sit here, reliving those moments daily, he’s out there living life like nothing happened. Spending time with his family. Laughing with friends. Enjoying his hobbies. Just getting on with his life, while I’m left trying to rebuild mine from the ground up. It feels so unfair. I gave everything, and now I’m the one carrying the weight of it all, while he walks free. My therapist tells me my brain is still in shock. That the body needs time to catch up. I’m learning that healing isn’t a straight line. It’s messy. It’s confusing. But I’m trying. I know now that he was never in love with me. He was in love with control. But he doesn’t control me anymore.

I’m still here. Still standing. Still speaking. And I won’t be silenced.

If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse or trauma, please reach out. You are not alone.

UK Support Resources:

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24/7, free and confidential)

• Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999

• Victim Support: 0808 168 9111

• Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7 support for emotional distress)

• Women’s Aid: www.womensaid.org.uk – information and support for women experiencing domestic abuse

• Refuge: 0808 2000 247 – help for women and children experiencing domestic violence